Posts

Goodbye Ghost

I dated a ghost for too long. Oddly enough, he made me feel alive with his dead regurgitated words that he must have salvaged from from graveyards no one visits any more. I wasn't quite ever able to be on the same plane as him, we were often times in the same room but...he was elsewhere, worried about not being good enough, a veil grew between us inspired by his fear of not only the future but of the now."I know you don't think I love you, but I do Jenn, I do", said through tears with a pained cracked voice.But, I couldn't feel it. Because the actions didn't line up with the words. On the foolish 4th chance I gave him, a date where he planned it- all I had to do was show up, he left me pounding on his apartment door in the frigid winter air, chilled to the bone because he wouldn't answer, again. I should have known history was bound to repeat itself. But I'm a fool who likes to relapse on past lovers because of the familiarity...because at least I kno…

A Jumbled Up Mix of Thoughts on This Past Year or the Tried & True New Year's Letter

As 2017 comes to a close I find myself reflecting on the events of this past year and would hedge a bet…that you are too. There is something about finality that allows us the gift of contemplation. We can process, brood, celebrate, cry, or even laugh over memories and events that have occurred.
We all have experienced different things this past year. Wonderful events, heart-shattering moments, love has touched us in ways we never thought possible renewing our faith in our fellow man, pain has ripped breath from our lungs making us wonder if we would ever be able to breathe again without crying, we have been left scratching our heads at the actions of others and laughed until our faces hurt because of the good people who bring merriment to our lives.
For me, to say this year was a roller coaster is an understatement but probably the closest I can get to describing it accurately.
When people say, "Pick one word to describe…<whatever>", I find that utterly frustrating. On…

Endings, The New Beginnings

The finales don’t always have fireworks,
but they do have the ashes that saturate the ground.
Ashes that look like nothing but dust.
But from dust to dust is life…or so it is said.
I keep hearing 'May the bridges we burn light the way"
A colloquial mishap that makes me smile,
because there is truth in it more than we know.
The endings we have feared, the bridges we have burned,

do light the way for us to move forward into our future. 
Those embers that swirl and the sparks that dance, 
twirl and head for a new destination to cool down, to 
plant themselves, to nourish new ground. 
The endings, can be abrupt.
The endings, can hurt.
The endings, can leave us confused.
But the endings, don't have to be the end. 
Endings, can be the new beginnings, albeit scary
if we let them. 
If we take a moment to pause, 
if we take a moment to reflect, 
if we take a moment to realize....
there is nothing we can do to stop the endings from coming. 
Then we can move forward when we are…

Thankful, Yes, Even For The Pain.

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2017 was good to many of the loves of my life, however, personally this year has brought me me more valleys than hills. If December 31st was washed away a little quicker to welcome in the new waves of 2018 I would not be *too* upset about it.In the end, though, I know that ushering in a new year really would not matter because, dates mean nothing. The feelings we hold, the memories we cherish, the moments we feel just happened in those twilight hazy hours between slumber and waking do not have expiration dates. There is no set parameters of time that will stop emotions from overwhelming you or shaking you to your core. When we heal, reminisce, grieve, feel the flutter of love in our hearts...our emotions do not abide by the made up laws that we constructed of time. 

Through the painful valleys-deep as they are, that I have had the pleasure of walking through,  I am still thankful even though there are days that the sun does not even come close to meeting the path that I am walking. 

Tra…

Ugly Growth. (And The Witness That Cheers It On)

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For about 2 years, I have been hiking regularly when I need to enjoy the outdoors. Not want, need.  I suppose I do not look like the typical hiker, as I am morbidly obese, wear ridiculously bright colors (not that hunter's orange though...no thank you) and am typically sporting a pink flower in my hair. There are days I track my miles but more often than not (and this drives the 'real' hikers' who care about stats absolutely bonkers) I don't. I have never much cared for statistics or numbers, well tracking them anyway. Instead, I just hike until my soul starts to heal. Or on the days I need it, I hike until I can feel my soul bleeding. Although I may not necessarily fit into the visual interpretation of what a hiker should look like my soul absolutely does. My soul matches the text book definition of what a hiker "is". My heart beats a little faster when a friend or acquaintance mentions taking on a new trail, my mouth smiles the biggest , showing off my …

Use Your Words: October 13th, 2017

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Today’s post is a writing challenge. And even though I typically enjoy the challenges, right now, I am especially welcoming any challenge that keeps me writing through my feelings. 
This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. 
Until now.
My words are: serial ~ upset ~ rose ~ valiant ~ loaded ~ crumbs. 
They were submitted by: Jenniy from Climaxed-thank you! 
At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them. 

Shortly after my mom passed away last month, a dear, sassy, intelligent friend told me to remind others that I am still grieving and hurting becau…

Secret Subject Swap: October 6th, 2017

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 11 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 
    My subject is: What is something that you used to be scared of that no longer haunts      you? It was submitted by TaylorLife -thank you!
I used to be afraid of speaking up. 
For some reason, I was afraid someone would look at me odd or even say something to me if I spoke my opinion or asked a question. For me, it did not matter if I was asking a question in class, speaking up against something that seemed wonky or off to me, needing my correct order at a restaurant, or politely yet sternly sharing my ideas...I found the thought of others judging me terrifying. 
But you know what? 
No matter what, people are going to dislike what you say. It might be because they hate your opinion, are annoyed by your questions or they might just not like y…