Posts

Showing posts from 2017

Sunday Confession: News

A police knock on the door too early in the morning, a doctor with a  devastating diagnosis, a phone call explaining somehow someone drained all your savings....Every damn day, there are people who have horrible news broken to them. There is no rhyme nor reason or a way to tell who will experience something heartbreaking or earth shattering. Life will never be fair. There is no way around that.But the way we treat and love one another is in our control. I could go on and on like I typically and artfully do, but tonite, I'm keeping it succinct and sweet. Life can be cruel, sucky, and just downright mean at times. Be kind and bring light whenever you can.Today's piece was part of Sunday Confessions hosted by the talented, intelligent, auntie to some crazy kiddos, Hot Ash from More Than Cheese And Beer.  Sunday Confessions are welcome to anyone to join in so if you would like to link up, please go to her blog and do so!

Swimming At Midnight, But Not In Self-Doubt

It was the middle of a beautiful star filled night in the middle of North Carolina country and my family was drinking, laughing, simply enjoying themselves on vacation like you are supposed to do. The vibe was laid back and chill. One would even call it picturesque.  And off to the side there sat your lonesome sparkly poetic weirdo writer, in my jean capris sipping water wondering how to excuse myself quietly and not disturb the fun going on to go check on my mom. 
Mom wanted to stay back at the cabin and my mind...well my mind replays every incident that we have ever encountered. The incidents where I found her unresponsive in her room, waking up to her screaming in pain because she didn't use her walker fell hard, or her wandering around confused because her toxins had raised in her body. To be clear, I am fully aware that I am high strung.  I plan, organize and triple-check medications, creams, plan out possible outrageous scenarios-because we have lived them, and do not know ho…

Sunday Confession: Fall

Last Sunday, I spent a few hours on a slightly treacherous trail after some recent rain. Honestly, I probably spent more time picking myself up from my numerous falls and spills than actually hiking I'm fairly certain. In the beginning of my hiking journey, I was terrified to fall. Absolutely terrified.I would stick to 'safe' trails and cut a walk or hike short if it seemed too challenging. Better to get in a few steps and be done than risk hurting myself was the mantra I sheepishly abided. In doing that though, I never challenged myself.Those were the days that I never allowed myself to....meet me.There is a person within all of us that we have not met yet. They can only emerge after we have been utterly destroyed and irrevocably changed. They are the phoenix waiting to be reborn. Perhaps, that person is someone we have always longed to be, perhaps they are someone we never thought we could be. Either way, they exist in the depths of our souls and will introduce us to our…

Sunday Confessions: Brown

Profusely, I thanked the Hospice nurse for coming out so late to look at mom's hand which with its doubled in size look, hot to the touch, and redness I was betting on cellulitis. Again. "That's why we're here. Thank you for calling", she smiled and handed me a script for a strong antibiotic to help get it cleared up. She took a moment, charted in her laptop, gathered her stuff, and headed to the door then stopped. "I really do enjoy talking to your mom-and you. You ladies make everything fun, even in the not so fun times", then she exited my front door.  I watched her walk down the ramp and safely get into her car. Then I slipped on my shoes and grabbed my purse so I could run to our trusty 24 hour Walgreens down the road, in the middle of the night, so we could get her started on the antibiotic and bring her relief.Right before I handed over the script to the pharmacist I froze momentarily when I noticed the stamp that read, "Patient with Termina…

Use Your Words: July 14th, 2017

Image
Hello and happy Friday! Today's writing adventure is one where a group of fun and amazing bloggers get together and are given between 4-6 words that they need to use in their blog. They can use it any which way they want as long a they work in those words. At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them. 
I’m using:  Hard work ~ Stone ~ Hair ~ Limelight
They were submitted by:  The Bergham Chronicles Thanks Jules! :)


A half-eaten cup of chili in a cardboard container, I can see how it doesn’t look like much.
But really, it is so much more than that.
After a long week, all the days and weeks seem long lately, I needed a moment to relax. In the middle of the workday I did not think it was possible. Momentarily, I stared outside admiring the sun shining down and paid for my chili wondering the last time I took a lunch-you know a real lunch, away from the desk, not on a conference cal…

It Was Me

Image
It's not you, it's me.
Those words used to swirl in my head and keep me up at night. Constantly, anxiously, they were analyzed and debated about how cheesy they were and if they were a cop-out. 
But the last time I tasted them while savoring each syllable, it was realized, they were not a mere excuse. They were the truth.
It was never you. It was me.  
There was never a time I could make you be someone you were not. You were not ready to evolve, to mature, to move forward with life and love and be a better person. Sitting in misery was okay for date night, angry retorts and debasing words were fore-play, and spreading toxicity to every facet of our lives was the ultimate form of intimacy. 
It was me who decided that I needed to search for my self-worth. 
It was me who vowed to vanquish self-doubt and nurse my numb and bruised heart back to health. 
It was me who chose to let go and lift myself up. It was me who said good bye to toxic relationships and overused lame excuses for hol…

Sunday Confessions: Rash

Judgy people get under my skin like the worst rash possible. I'm not talking about the people who genuinely offer advice out of the kindness of their heart even if it's slightly misguided by love and concern. Nor do I mean those who try to discern a tricky situation and weigh and measure the pros and cons of the options. The judgy ones who irritate my nerves like psoriasis mixed with poison ivy on fire are the ones who simply discriminate because they can. These judgers look no deeper than surface level and believe their way is the only way, then condemn those who live life differently.  They don't like that some women are stay-at-home mom's and call them lazy. They don't like when men show their emotions and call them weak. They don't like that fat women wear cute clothes and call them gross. They don't like those who speak their mind and call them pot-stirrers. They dont like those who are quiet and call them feeble minded. They don't like political p…

Sunday Confessions: Impulse

Image
Over the years, I have said 'yes' to events, charities, favors, donating time....whatever you can think of because that was my automatic default. I could not stop myself from consenting because I was sure that was something I 'should' have been doing, regardless of if it put me out or wasn't a good time or how I felt.
Giving into impulsive thoughts and desires can be satiating and wonderful-when it is something that makes your soul happy. But, when you are just agreeing and going with the flow because it has been your knee jerk reaction for so long...you are doing nothing to benefit yourself.
It is not just okay to say 'no', it is wonderful! It is an act of self-care. It is an act of establishing boundaries. It is taking what you want and need into account, and that is flipping beautiful.
You may even need to take a moment and plan out what you are going to say to those people you feel you cannot turn down. There is not a thing wrong with taking a breath…

Not Where I Want To Be.

Image
"The fact that you aren’t where you want to be, should be motivation enough".
That is definitely motivating.
But also exhausting.  
Sometimes you try all you know. And you yo-yo. You go back and forth. You try your best…but even with all your effort your bests sometimes are not good enough. You need to stop, take a breather and reset.  
Tomorrow at this time, I should almost be out of surgery for the gastric sleeve.
Since I was a child I have battled with my weight.  I have recently started to take care my health in the most recent years. I have lost weight, gained it back, lost it again, gained stamina, fell in love with the outdoors, gained some back, gotten into therapy…and started to figure out what is going on in my head so I knew the best way to approach…myself.
At this point, I need to do something different and something drastic. It's not for lack of trying-but I need a tool to help me get to where I want to be.
I am too in love with life to not be able to do the stuf…

Sunday Confessions: Shift

Image
Shit happens.

And, therefore a shift needs to happen.

Life, no matter how much we love it and enjoy it, will disappoint us. Our hearts will be broken, our favorite show will be canceled, we will not get the job we wanted, our laundry will be dyed an ungodly red from a stray towel we forgot about, we will make mistakes and lose friends. On a heavier note...we will fall into a deep depression or be riddled with anxiety, we will not trust ourselves and miss out on amazing opportunities or we will lose those we love and encounter a pain that should be reserved for only the cruelest souls. Our lives tends to be full of little surprises we weren't counting on dealing with...but here we are, navigating and needing to retrace our steps and relearn this dance of life. 

There is no way we will always get what we want or need. Even when we have all our ducks in a row, sometimes a semi comes barreling down the road and smashes them to smithereens.

There will be days where nothing will go right ex…

Sunday Confessions: Center

Writing, amidst the rest of its magical qualities, has the gift of letting people tap into their emotions as well as write them away when they are overwhelming. It is an art to say the least but also a need.

It has become such an intricate and intimate way to communicate with one another. Rarely do we pick up the phone to talk but rather we send a text and in seconds it is delivered. Those words on a screen can make or destroy a human being. 

Think I am being dramatic? 

Have you ever been desperate to hear from someone that you check your phone repeatedly, check their social media to see if they are still posting, check every way they have ever communicated with you...just to make sure that you were not missing something? When in  fact, you were just missing them. Because even though words can be powerful, the absence of them can be immensely shattering. 

When we become so elated or destroyed when someone reaches out to us or stops, it is because we have given them power over our hearts. …

Use Your Words: April 14th, 2017

Hello and happiest of Friday's to you dear reader!
Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. 
Until now.
At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them. 
I’m using:     evidence ~ update ~ gigantic~ wonderful ~ apology
They were submitted by:  Bookworm in the Kitchen (Thank you for the words!)               *     *     *      *      *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *      *      *     *      *
Self love is a struggle. 
Well, that was the most understated sentence I have written to date. 
Self lov…

NaPoWriMo Day 5.

Image

NaPoWriMo Day 4

Image
It has been a while since I have devoted time to actually writing. Like forcing myself 10 minutes here an hour there. So, I figured why not just dive back into it? I gave myself 10 minutes to just write...so what it is what it is. I think, I like how it turned out. At this point, I'm not editing my poems. I may come back at a later time and do so. But for now, I'm just trying to get back in the groove in writing. 


Happy reading friends. 

Unequivocally Sucky. But? Still Going.

Image
"Sometimes, it just sucks. It really sucks and I don’t know what to say or how to feel."
Me too, mom.
I promise with all the might I am mustering into this fa├žade of prettily mascared eyes that shrewdly scans my sacred planner that’s chock full of color-coded highlighted appointments and a face that nods when needed and asks the pertinent questions, I do not know what to do or say anymore sometimes either.
Typically, we share the happy moments, the goofy grins, the exuberance of attacking the day. But even my mom, my mom who has the insane tenacity for loving the most out of each day and cherishing even the mundane moments, gets tired and needs a break.
After being told we weren’t a candidate for Hospice, then being told we could be a patient if we 'really wanted', then an angel disguised as a nurse who insisted mom's chart get reviewed at the next committee review we were told,  with a resounding ohmygoodnessyessheisacandidatewhywasntsheapatientsooneryes, we are …